Some Times I Want To Say....

FUCK THESE BITHCES !!!!!  (Bitches meaning everyone male/females... mostly males) If you can't handle the heat, then stay the FUCK out of the kitchen.


On other look on the non- hostale side of me, So...-
Back to a new start again with this boyfriend complication.... I believe around June of my 11th grade year thing were starting to go sour, in this particular relationship at the time... [Why am I telling you this? ... (B/c ties into the story..So shut up and READ ) ] I would say the break up was my decision, b/c I just couldn't do it. Like it was just toooo MANY attractive females, that I was getting myself in trouble with, and thats how it ended, happy and free. And I thought that I would never date a dude again... (more reasons are to this.. but I dnt really want to get into that) -
And now, I have a interest, but I have to like reprogram my mind like, less "MAN" thinking and more "FEMALE" instints need to come out and take charge... Of course he dsnt care, bc thats how I met him; As me thinking in my "MAN" ways, but if I continue to think like that, the SAME Cycle of what happen last June will happen again, like a broken record. Its time to fix this, so thats what imma do.. Its gnna be hard, but I wanna do it b/c i like this guy, (yeah I said I like him [you... if you read this] ) so its worth the fixing.

and another thing I got a problem.... i like to fuck... Women... We'll get into that another day.. [this blog entry is kinda already too long].

REAL LIFE! - when is the age to be to old to cry?

when is the age to be to old to cry? anger, frustration, and, pain will makes me want to go insane. I try to keep sane with my smiles, with my kind hearted ways, but When the anger frustration and pain gets to the brim. the tears flow like flood gates opening from the clouds. all the barriers all the walls break down. now im left with an disturbing frown. at the end of it all I try to forget (/avoid) [about] the things that started it all. But then they bring it back by pushing the issue against the wall. I begin to inflict self hatred thoughts of it all. thinking I am the problem, but really im content with-in myself in all. Screaming Fuck You, Fuck You. but they never fall. I got to get away, so I isolate myself from it all. In this room blue walls, my mind begins to think, i ponder it all, I think of the places I want to be, im thinking do they ever see the real me, do they see how they are treating me, so they see how unhappy i am, was this meant to be, im stuck like glue to paper. Id be happy if  some how miraculously i just drifted, flew away. I need a plane ticket to some peaceful place. 

JFK... (was) The Answer

Real Life...Poem Inspired

She thrives off of people gaping at her beauty, people taking advantage, but shes too blind to see. But deep inside she feels empty, so she fills it with anything to make her high, hoping her true feelings will pass her by, and once the high is gone, she feels like she wants to die. Its like, sex, drugs, and me, and him, him , and her. Who does she really prefer...? If I didn't care to understand her, I would classify her as has having that hoe mentality. What the fuck is wrong with me, feelings getting wrapped up, I'm feeling like I should be the one.... But I'm not. Him, him,  and her are taking my spot. I try to be clever, doing extra shit to show her I care, but my feelings for her, I cannot bare, to see her (think about her) with him, him, her and her. I'm tyring to cut the ties. I look in my phone for other chicks, yeah there beautiful and exotic but, the desire is not there, all I want is her. But then she gazes into my eyes, then I forget everything I've been stressing about.

Woke Up Saturday Morning....

Feeling like something good was supposed to happen today... And I was right.. I met this lady around my grandmothers age, she taught me things about myself that I've been wanting to know for a long time. Im glad I met her. But I came to realize that Im not living my life right. On that note I feel like Im in good graces with this girl I like. I truly feel bad for her, she doesn't deserve to be treated like she has been. But this causes a deli ma, liking the same sex is a sin..... Right now in my young life Its going to be hard to get away from the girls. Just being that THEY make me truly happy. Its soo easy to sin, but its soo hard to let go.. Lets see how long it will take for me to get totally right.

REAL Life 2010, 18 days left of high school

Lately I've been feeling extream anger. As in I want to fight. I'm frustrated. Once I thought things were looking up for me, but some how things started to change a drop of a dime. Now I feel like I'm at the end of the line. Looking for a way out, but I'm trapped. Stuck, like a teen mom. Like she can't see past next weeks check. I feel useless, worthless. But I still continue to do what I  think is best. I can't see the light. It's like darkness in caving in, all sense of directions. I feel like I'm being forced into submission, with no say. I'm being treated like I have no control of my OWN life. I just want to get away. Even If I fail. Just let me do it my way. So I can pick myself up, and lean from what has been done.

I'm starting to become what I was once before. Contemplating suicide... I feel dead inside, but I try not to think of it. Thinking there has to be another way out, but I just can't find the door. But is life really worth living for? Even though I want to be gone, I'm scared. Yeah, I guess that makes me pussy. As of right now that's a fact of reality. Ugh! I want to drink myself into a coma, I want to feel Soo high I can't feel my pain.