Are You Waisting Time?

I am the new Voice of :

America...

I am now in college and I am broadening my horizons with my vision that I see for myself. That means that I feel that I have the need to speak to the YOUNG people and the world about what we see and what we go through in this society. So expect more controversial material on this blog.

Thank You for your support.

Back Lashing YOUR LBGT community !

We as the LBGT community are supposed to lift up our community because there are alot of us contemplating suicide because they are being ridiculed because of there sexuality. What makes it even worse people in the LBGT community are are the very ones ridiculing the community. Its bad enough people are scared to come out to there families and there friends. Therefor many are in the closet. We as a community should never ridicule people in our community because we already have alot facing us. So if we see someone that is not comfortable with themselves being a homosexual, bisexual, or transgender we have no right to call them out making them feel inferior of themselves. As a result of this as a community we should feel the need to encourage them to feel more comfortable with themselves. If you do do this than you are being a hypocrite to yourself and your community as a whole because, you are thinking that you are better than that person.

If you Love Black People Then Read

The stripped us from our homes, raped and plumaged our villages, and took us from our religion. Then they brought us to the new world, and enslaved us, beat us into submission. In this new world they made learning for slaves illegal, and punished us by death or beatings. They began to teach us the ways of there land, telling us that our God had no color, and that our God looked like them. Trying to wash away our teachings from Africa, that were rooted in our blood...Many years later the slaves learned how to read, they saw things that they have recognised in there own country, where there mothers and fathers had been, they started to realise that, what the white man was telling half-truths about there God, to make them feel inferior. They started to worship Jah, like the natives in there land, they learned about the lost tribes, and how them (those) coming from Ethiopia are one of the lost tribes. . . .

I had write about how I felt about this... as in why steal us, why program us into being that yes man type of person? Black people are strong, in my oppion, if they never enslaved us in the first place black people as a race would be better off, we would be full of knowledge, and most of us would of risen up like the Caucasians. I know that every race has its down falls, but why do black people look the worst? why do we get the blame and the most criticism?  We are good people and we are The Promised Ones.

You can't blame the white man fro everything, but they had a great deal of effect on us evolving in this country, they even made drugs like crack to whip out our people in the 1980's in DC, and heroin in NY, because most of the black people where present in theses cities. Oh did i mention that they wanted us to be inslaved even in present day... and slavery started in 1619, they never wanted us to rise up.

I can go on and on about the oppression that blacks have been faced with, which in the out come I guess they got what they wanted. They have the minds of the unwilling black folks that don't want to achieve, They have the minds of the black folks that are happy in there ghettos, They have the minds of the generational teen pregnancy in the black communities, They have the minds of the black men that go to prison, just to sit in that cell, and when they get out they go back in. We as black people need to realise these obstacles that are here before us to make us fail, To put us in that slavery mind set, so we wont prevail. Black people are nearly extent, if we are going to make a mark on this earth, lets make it a good one. Go To College, Learn, Be something great!

Some Times I Want To Say....

FUCK THESE BITHCES !!!!!  (Bitches meaning everyone male/females... mostly males) If you can't handle the heat, then stay the FUCK out of the kitchen.


On other look on the non- hostale side of me, So...-
Back to a new start again with this boyfriend complication.... I believe around June of my 11th grade year thing were starting to go sour, in this particular relationship at the time... [Why am I telling you this? ... (B/c ties into the story..So shut up and READ ) ] I would say the break up was my decision, b/c I just couldn't do it. Like it was just toooo MANY attractive females, that I was getting myself in trouble with, and thats how it ended, happy and free. And I thought that I would never date a dude again... (more reasons are to this.. but I dnt really want to get into that) -
And now, I have a interest, but I have to like reprogram my mind like, less "MAN" thinking and more "FEMALE" instints need to come out and take charge... Of course he dsnt care, bc thats how I met him; As me thinking in my "MAN" ways, but if I continue to think like that, the SAME Cycle of what happen last June will happen again, like a broken record. Its time to fix this, so thats what imma do.. Its gnna be hard, but I wanna do it b/c i like this guy, (yeah I said I like him [you... if you read this] ) so its worth the fixing.

and another thing I got a problem.... i like to fuck... Women... We'll get into that another day.. [this blog entry is kinda already too long].

REAL LIFE! - when is the age to be to old to cry?

when is the age to be to old to cry? anger, frustration, and, pain will makes me want to go insane. I try to keep sane with my smiles, with my kind hearted ways, but When the anger frustration and pain gets to the brim. the tears flow like flood gates opening from the clouds. all the barriers all the walls break down. now im left with an disturbing frown. at the end of it all I try to forget (/avoid) [about] the things that started it all. But then they bring it back by pushing the issue against the wall. I begin to inflict self hatred thoughts of it all. thinking I am the problem, but really im content with-in myself in all. Screaming Fuck You, Fuck You. but they never fall. I got to get away, so I isolate myself from it all. In this room blue walls, my mind begins to think, i ponder it all, I think of the places I want to be, im thinking do they ever see the real me, do they see how they are treating me, so they see how unhappy i am, was this meant to be, im stuck like glue to paper. Id be happy if  some how miraculously i just drifted, flew away. I need a plane ticket to some peaceful place. 

JFK... (was) The Answer

Real Life...Poem Inspired

She thrives off of people gaping at her beauty, people taking advantage, but shes too blind to see. But deep inside she feels empty, so she fills it with anything to make her high, hoping her true feelings will pass her by, and once the high is gone, she feels like she wants to die. Its like, sex, drugs, and me, and him, him , and her. Who does she really prefer...? If I didn't care to understand her, I would classify her as has having that hoe mentality. What the fuck is wrong with me, feelings getting wrapped up, I'm feeling like I should be the one.... But I'm not. Him, him,  and her are taking my spot. I try to be clever, doing extra shit to show her I care, but my feelings for her, I cannot bare, to see her (think about her) with him, him, her and her. I'm tyring to cut the ties. I look in my phone for other chicks, yeah there beautiful and exotic but, the desire is not there, all I want is her. But then she gazes into my eyes, then I forget everything I've been stressing about.

Woke Up Saturday Morning....

Feeling like something good was supposed to happen today... And I was right.. I met this lady around my grandmothers age, she taught me things about myself that I've been wanting to know for a long time. Im glad I met her. But I came to realize that Im not living my life right. On that note I feel like Im in good graces with this girl I like. I truly feel bad for her, she doesn't deserve to be treated like she has been. But this causes a deli ma, liking the same sex is a sin..... Right now in my young life Its going to be hard to get away from the girls. Just being that THEY make me truly happy. Its soo easy to sin, but its soo hard to let go.. Lets see how long it will take for me to get totally right.

REAL Life 2010, 18 days left of high school

Lately I've been feeling extream anger. As in I want to fight. I'm frustrated. Once I thought things were looking up for me, but some how things started to change a drop of a dime. Now I feel like I'm at the end of the line. Looking for a way out, but I'm trapped. Stuck, like a teen mom. Like she can't see past next weeks check. I feel useless, worthless. But I still continue to do what I  think is best. I can't see the light. It's like darkness in caving in, all sense of directions. I feel like I'm being forced into submission, with no say. I'm being treated like I have no control of my OWN life. I just want to get away. Even If I fail. Just let me do it my way. So I can pick myself up, and lean from what has been done.

I'm starting to become what I was once before. Contemplating suicide... I feel dead inside, but I try not to think of it. Thinking there has to be another way out, but I just can't find the door. But is life really worth living for? Even though I want to be gone, I'm scared. Yeah, I guess that makes me pussy. As of right now that's a fact of reality. Ugh! I want to drink myself into a coma, I want to feel Soo high I can't feel my pain.

Count Down Til'

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The Nightmare's

I only have touched on this a little bit in my previous blogs; it all goes along with me being traumatized when I was a child. And last night I had one of those nightmares about her trying to kill me. In every dream it’s not the same always a different scenario for each dream. Last night it started like this...







2604 Edgewood Ave, my old House in Richmond, VA. I just came home after a dispute about me. When I stepped into the house the feeling of something evil was in the house. I started to look around the house to see if my step mom was around. I looked into her bedroom to see her still asleep. Then I went up to my room, to see a video replaying on my television of her saying what she was going to do to me. I immediately try to plan what it is that I was going to do so I wont die a brutal death. I gather my phone and my charge and run outside. I call my dad to rescue me from this fate. No one answers. I go back in the house to the kitchen. I walk over to the knives to get a few to help me in my defense. I see these 3 new huge 14inch knife with deep jagged edges within the blade. This is what she is going to use to kill me. So I gather 2 of the three, there to big in size for me to handle them, plus they are heavy. I run out to the back of the house to plan how I was going to Kill her first before she kills me. Its hot outside and I’m panicking. I’m trying to dial the emergency number before all of this goes down, (and maybe they will stop all of this from happening. I don't want to have the sin of murder on my hands.) but my hands where clashing with the knives, and one of them falls onto the ground. In the frantic pace that I’m in I leave it behind and I move to the front of the house. I notice that the neighbor's that live across from me moved out. Now living there is a Dominican family (unusual), and beside them are a new family of blacks. Although I love Hispanic people,(especially the girl that I saw) something about them and the blacks just weren’t adding up right. I went back in the house to steak out a hiding place to catch her off guard. As I’m entering into the door, I hear her in the basement. So I continued to her room. My plan was to get into her closet, and wait for her. As I’m entering into the room she's in there and ready! She says "I’ve been waiting for you". I confront her and say that "I know that you are going to kill me". She begging to laugh she says "that’s right". She charges at me, I’m fighting hard, she's too much to handle. I begging reaching for the knife ,she says "that's what I’m going to use to slit your throat". Some how she takes it away from me. I begin to sprint out of the room, into the bathroom. I get in, I’m scared, nothing that I have planed worked. I hear her coming I’m holding the double doors on both sides of the bathroom. She's pounding, pushing the door open with her weight. She's heavy, finally she leaves. I’m franticly searching for my phone. I find it, I’m trying to dial 911 but for some reason my fingers are hitting every button but those. It was like my hands were uncontrollable. I hear voices enter into the house. I’m REALLY terrified now. I mange to call my dad again, still no answer. Now I hear my step mom at the door telling the female to take the knife and carve out the door to get to me. She starts to carve out the door. I’m feeling hopeless, thinking why is this happening to me. I feel blade grinding on the door. I feel the hollowness caving in to expose me. My step mother begins to talk to me, "oh and by the way this is the lovely Dominican Girl that just moved in across from us." I reply arrogantly "Oh I like those". As I finished those few words they can now see me.






My dream ended just at that moment. The feelings of terror felt so real. They say dreams reflect on what is going on into your life. This maybe true. But I haven't seen or talked to my stepmother in years so why am I still having dreams about her. Whether its about her abusing or killing me. This has been going on for years I can truly say that I am traumatized. The comparison of her actions in real life does correlate a little but she never tried to kill me. More of her verbal and physical are the correlation to the real life version of her. Thus saying I am Traumatized.






Or we could replace "Step Mother" with my dads "Girl Friend". I can honestly say that I don't feel safe sleeping with her around.






What ever it is I need to get out of my unsafe environment.






(Leave Comments Please)

Spring Break! (bitches)

So... I want all the FREAK HOES!
but I want a girlfriend over that.... but i want the freak hoes for the time being  :D

Real Life = Feelings Befor Bed

When am I going to feel THE Glory that God has bestowed unto me? I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of these feelings, that I have to shut deep inside. What's the cause of all this? I don't feel like trying, I feel anger and pain, Too much to explain. I just want to be free. Free from me! I want to be ripped out from the inside so that my soul can be free. No more of this glummy bondage, my heart has on me. Let me Soar high until I can't breath the altitude. God help me fly!

Real Life = March 15

When light turns into darkness, with nothing in sight. Feels like your falling helplessly in the night, I speak his name like a prayer, so that God will grip me and pull me back. He lets me see the light.

Dear Lord when I did not feel you near me, I did not know what was going on, I appreciate you more that you continued to hold on. Help me become more uplifted with in your spirit, help me to carry on, i feel weary, i just don't care. Show me the way, I can't make it on my own.

Real Life...

Is feeling like Lord I just don't care. My life feels like short burst of happiness. But I want happiness all the time. Lord I feel soo lost, I can't see the future in front of me. This scares me. What has become of me? The only thing that can suppress my depression is this sweet smelling weed, it's a release, but I'm NOT free! Please change the air that I breath, I need a new hora to survive. Lord please cure me. I am your child, I need help, I need guidance.

Please don't forget me...

I want a sexy black girl by my definition...

I want a sexy black girl with natural hair
I want a sexy black girl that goes to a HBCU!
I want a sexy black girl that is a fem
I want a sexy black girl that is pro AFRICA!
I want a sexy black girl that enjoys India Arie, Luryn Hill, Jill Scott, Erykah Badu....Spoken Word R&B
I want a sexy black girl that loves to laugh and enjoys all of me- even when Im at my lowest point.
I want a sexy black girl that has curves and that is slim in the waist.....

Where she AT?

Lately...

I have come to the point in my life where I'm just bitter and angry with everyone, no matter who you are. I just have soo much aggression. I want to fight. Instead of making myself bleed to release what ever it is that I have inside I just want to exhaust myself in some strenuous activity. I just want to be numb to all this that I'm going through. I never feel like this.... I have before but it just grew into a worst situation; where I was just like fuck everybody. Signs of unhappiness and stress. Whats the cure?

Well in the past Rock music has helped alot! So I'm re-visiting this remedy. But since I'm older now I just want to smoke. Ugh, I like smoking but I don't want to be subjected into being an addict to smoking. Also I'm tring to pray as much as I can, but for some reason I'm rejecting it. But not subconsciously, I'm not sure if I know how to explain that one......TO BE CONTINUED

Feeling like Times are Difficult

If tomorrow was the end of the world i'd be ready to go. Atleast i'll have peace. I wish everything that I am going through will get better.

"I want to be in your presents, in your glory, don't turn away from me oh Lord. Amen"

Untittled

I know I’ve been saying for a long time now that “I can’t wait until I am 18”, or “I can’t wait until I get to college” or “I can’t wait to disconnect myself from the people that causes me unnecessary stress and pain.” But really will I be happy then? I’m hoping with me disconnecting myself from people that causes me stress (which is the main reason I feel the way I feel) I will gain success… I’m hoping. I mean it’s only logical. Right? I feel like if I can have total control over the issue or my life; then I will be happy. Because all the fault would, will be on me. I know it sounds like I’m blaming people for making me feel the way I feel. But I’m not; I’m just at this standstill of realizing I’m T H I S close to making my own decisions. I just want to make the right ones.

-Things to say are easier to write down then to say. Let’s express ourselves by writing.

Insight of what going on in my life...

VIA txt msg..


"DJ-boo

Blogger- hey wat you doin

DJ- nm tired. wbu?

Blogger- same. my head n throat still hurts

DJ- whats wrong?

Blogger- iono. i think over did it with my body. i might be too stressed right now. iono wats wrong. the doc told me nothing was wrong. but im really hurting.. bad

DJ- you need rest

Blogger- i cnt be missin' school, im on a mission! you already know this... i cnt give up

DJ- lol yeah i know chirl. what yu got to do tomarro

Blogger-Take a test n present a project. N hang with "her"... Maybe depending on how im feeling. Ugh.. DJ im just tired of people n im tired of my struggles. I feel like im achieving little by little but not making a real difference. I feel like reaching my goals but at the same time i want to say fuck it... "

Fuck This

As you grow up life gets more and more stressful. Striving to succeed and the stress behind it, our government believe it or not has made controlled substances to keep us suppressed. Ugh... Drugs = Success... Fuck this shit
When I get enough money... I’m moving to an island. And I will be Chilling with the locals; Simple peace is where I will stand. Fuck this stress. I just want to live peacefully… is that too much to ask?

Where is she..? (like really...)

I deserve a nice girl to treat me right. But where is she at? I feel like everytime im really FEELING a girl (like she's the one) something mess up or someone beat me there. WHERE ARE THE SINGLE LADIES AT? (That have there shit together...?) I don't think im going to find it in high school. DAMN college is soo far away. NO time to play.

I wana GIRL like: (me) i want her to breathe me,hold me, respect me, pray with me,cook like me, rhyme like me,cry like me, be strong like me, DO ME! U FEEL ME? so we can become one with one anotha and togetha as we are strong...as one.. =] Im lookin for a girl tht(s): -cool -chill -doesn't tripp on the small things -down to earth -smart -has goals -she can be herself around me -good personality -pretty,stylish,likes to look good etc.. -can make me smile -loving -caring -athletic body type -fem!!!! -some studds -dosen't care what people think about her sexuality -has some sense of faith (^^very picky^^) Basically, I would like to meet a pretty girl without an attitude. (seems like im drawn to that for

Is That Really Hard To Find....?

Fuckin' JOY KILLz (can't stand them)

man.. I'm like 50% happy.

My grades are exceptionally well, but when it comes down to the sadness of it all; it just kills my joy repeatedly , over, and over again. I hate this feeling. I thought doing what makes me happy, would make me happier. It made me more successful and less stressed. But now I see that I'm depressed. I got to get away from these people. These People are my joy kill. I just wanna be happy and live. I've changed the things to make me more successful, now I have to change where I live so I can be... distressful.....(PEACE)

Serious Mode..

off subject-....

i hate it when im showing my all and the other person dsnt see it..
Loneliness is starting to bring miseries. I dnt wanna mess around; and still have memories. I guess this is how it was meant to be. You, just a tease to my, imagination my... Miseries. I really want you in my arms. That would solve my misery. But I can't have all of you.. That's the cause of my miseries. And I know I would put up a fight. But it seems like darkeness is brighter than light. This is a loosing game. I should of thought twice... befor I got in the game.
THE END..?

Agenda For The Week !! !! !!

1. Cash the mooolahhhhh!!
2. Buy some blunt wraps! MAngO.. and something else
3. Get the cannabis
4. Go Home..
5. Roll Up
6. Clean Up
7. Smoke
8. Eat
9. Sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. Aye!

Wednesday

1. Go to the HooKAh Bar !!!! (Another thing marked off my list!)
2. Blaze up!
3. Go home
4. Eat
5. Sleeep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. Aye!

Thursday

1. Chill/Talk with someone
2. Go Home
3. Study
4. Blogg
5. Sleep?!!!

Friday

1. YEah i have a job sooooo...
2. Maybe..Clubb if possible (I already had enough fun! time to cool that out!)

Sat

1. repeat #1 from Friday

Sunday

1. I wanna Go To CHURCH!
2. And only church I really like going to SPBC (Saint Paul's Baptist Church, Richmond,VA all dae! is where the Saints come to play ! you heard!)

But imma try and go with a friend, to hers and see if I like it enough to go again, and again, and again...

Hhmmm. you might be saying "All Churches are the same!"

yes in a way.. But this is what I look for

• When im in church I like to feel like they accept ALL no matter what you do, bc we all are children of God. (no matter what you believe in) ((And who are they to say that you arn't welcomed. ))
• They not trinna get your money! Because you are not getting all mine! (I have bills to pay.. you feel meh)
• The Preacher of whome ever is at the alter that day, Has a POWERFUL message he/she wants to share
• I come to church to up lifted! and, I expect that everytime!
• They have to have good music.. (c'mon, none of this non-singing mess like you wont trinna be there in the 1st place)
• A church that reaches out to the youth, and talks about REAL stuff that we go through. (dnt sugar coat it)
• TRUE CHRISTIANS (not them one's that act one way while your there, and when you get out act another way... I mean im not ashamed of myself so I will act the same way I do out in public. GOD see's All ain't NOOOO use for frottin'... but dnt get me wrong there is a TIME n a PLACE! for everthing.)
• A church that does not critisize NON-Christians.. As Christians WE are supposed to spread the WORD! To help out our MAN KIND! (This does not mean HARASS THEM! with what you believe in. Just Let them know what it is that your about! and HELP THEM along the way with there issues, THAT'S WHAT WEEEEE supposed to do! As Christians)
• Most of all, A CHURCH THAT's For the em-betterment of the people. (Not trinna act like they themselves dnt sin.. A sin is a SIN. WE ALLL are SINNERS! so dnt try to act like you are Holy-er than Thou n don't do anywrong! oh and another thing)

Fucking Awesome Day..

It started off rocky, but I prayed alot! So I was in for a great day. For some reason today I was hella hyper! Idk wat wats up with that lol. Then I was due for work.. After school. Yeah I was a bit tired; But I was still hyper so it really didn't matter :D. Ohkay-getting to the BEST PART! I came to work looking a mess because I didn't care what i looked like. I mean If it isn't gnna be anyone cute their then... Imma be whatever! lol. Okay, so around 6:00 I was rolling silver wear..
Andd this cute thuggy guy (he seems nice, and ion even like that for real, for real.. But imma give em' a try for a few..to see how long he gnna last lol!) is smiling and looking at me.. So im like, what? Do he not know I look a mess right now , and acting hella WERID/CRAZY! (in my mind im like I think he just see's this BOOOtah lol..fyi he ainn getting it.. but if he was a girl.. Now that's a different story :D) SO he comes over and he's like
"So wats gud widd the number?"
Im like
"yeah, you can have it."
and I walk away.. I had to think about that.. that's why Iwalked away lol!

but.... Yeah in some weird awkward way that made my day even better than what it was.
Im not hopping something will come out of this (him getting my number) because im not expecting anything.

Another Relationship Lost

Ughh.. I can't say im really disappointed, because I admit it's my fault I let her go. So I just need to deal with it. I miss talking to her though. Ahh.. I think it's about to be that time of the month because im starting to get really sappy.
-
But any who.. on the bright side I shopped a lil bit, my hair smells like cherries (accident!), and thats about it.. other than the fact that I found out some information.. Disturbing if i wanna call it that. Idk I still have to get my thoughts together on how I want to phrase it. WWJD ? He would help. lol.. So I will

The Start of this New Year..

I've gotten broken up with. Had a spiritual awakening. I've started to realize what I truly wanted to do with my life and i've found out why i'm here (as in why GOD put me here)... and Im not trying to act like im holy-er than thou because im NOT. I sin just like the next person. And just because I feel passionately about females dsnt mean I can't have a life with Christ. I know im blessed God has shown me so; and I TRULY believe!

Mysteries in it's form

Man wat kinda power does this chick have over me? Something isn't right but I keep coming back. Is it because she is beautiful and hard to say no to? Or is it that I just dnt care and my consciousness doesn't care to see and realize wats going on. They say curiosity killed the cat. I'm Blessed so I believe that my Lord and Savior will protect me.