If you Love Black People Then Read

The stripped us from our homes, raped and plumaged our villages, and took us from our religion. Then they brought us to the new world, and enslaved us, beat us into submission. In this new world they made learning for slaves illegal, and punished us by death or beatings. They began to teach us the ways of there land, telling us that our God had no color, and that our God looked like them. Trying to wash away our teachings from Africa, that were rooted in our blood...Many years later the slaves learned how to read, they saw things that they have recognised in there own country, where there mothers and fathers had been, they started to realise that, what the white man was telling half-truths about there God, to make them feel inferior. They started to worship Jah, like the natives in there land, they learned about the lost tribes, and how them (those) coming from Ethiopia are one of the lost tribes. . . .

I had write about how I felt about this... as in why steal us, why program us into being that yes man type of person? Black people are strong, in my oppion, if they never enslaved us in the first place black people as a race would be better off, we would be full of knowledge, and most of us would of risen up like the Caucasians. I know that every race has its down falls, but why do black people look the worst? why do we get the blame and the most criticism?  We are good people and we are The Promised Ones.

You can't blame the white man fro everything, but they had a great deal of effect on us evolving in this country, they even made drugs like crack to whip out our people in the 1980's in DC, and heroin in NY, because most of the black people where present in theses cities. Oh did i mention that they wanted us to be inslaved even in present day... and slavery started in 1619, they never wanted us to rise up.

I can go on and on about the oppression that blacks have been faced with, which in the out come I guess they got what they wanted. They have the minds of the unwilling black folks that don't want to achieve, They have the minds of the black folks that are happy in there ghettos, They have the minds of the generational teen pregnancy in the black communities, They have the minds of the black men that go to prison, just to sit in that cell, and when they get out they go back in. We as black people need to realise these obstacles that are here before us to make us fail, To put us in that slavery mind set, so we wont prevail. Black people are nearly extent, if we are going to make a mark on this earth, lets make it a good one. Go To College, Learn, Be something great!

Some Times I Want To Say....

FUCK THESE BITHCES !!!!!  (Bitches meaning everyone male/females... mostly males) If you can't handle the heat, then stay the FUCK out of the kitchen.


On other look on the non- hostale side of me, So...-
Back to a new start again with this boyfriend complication.... I believe around June of my 11th grade year thing were starting to go sour, in this particular relationship at the time... [Why am I telling you this? ... (B/c ties into the story..So shut up and READ ) ] I would say the break up was my decision, b/c I just couldn't do it. Like it was just toooo MANY attractive females, that I was getting myself in trouble with, and thats how it ended, happy and free. And I thought that I would never date a dude again... (more reasons are to this.. but I dnt really want to get into that) -
And now, I have a interest, but I have to like reprogram my mind like, less "MAN" thinking and more "FEMALE" instints need to come out and take charge... Of course he dsnt care, bc thats how I met him; As me thinking in my "MAN" ways, but if I continue to think like that, the SAME Cycle of what happen last June will happen again, like a broken record. Its time to fix this, so thats what imma do.. Its gnna be hard, but I wanna do it b/c i like this guy, (yeah I said I like him [you... if you read this] ) so its worth the fixing.

and another thing I got a problem.... i like to fuck... Women... We'll get into that another day.. [this blog entry is kinda already too long].

REAL LIFE! - when is the age to be to old to cry?

when is the age to be to old to cry? anger, frustration, and, pain will makes me want to go insane. I try to keep sane with my smiles, with my kind hearted ways, but When the anger frustration and pain gets to the brim. the tears flow like flood gates opening from the clouds. all the barriers all the walls break down. now im left with an disturbing frown. at the end of it all I try to forget (/avoid) [about] the things that started it all. But then they bring it back by pushing the issue against the wall. I begin to inflict self hatred thoughts of it all. thinking I am the problem, but really im content with-in myself in all. Screaming Fuck You, Fuck You. but they never fall. I got to get away, so I isolate myself from it all. In this room blue walls, my mind begins to think, i ponder it all, I think of the places I want to be, im thinking do they ever see the real me, do they see how they are treating me, so they see how unhappy i am, was this meant to be, im stuck like glue to paper. Id be happy if  some how miraculously i just drifted, flew away. I need a plane ticket to some peaceful place. 

JFK... (was) The Answer

Real Life...Poem Inspired

She thrives off of people gaping at her beauty, people taking advantage, but shes too blind to see. But deep inside she feels empty, so she fills it with anything to make her high, hoping her true feelings will pass her by, and once the high is gone, she feels like she wants to die. Its like, sex, drugs, and me, and him, him , and her. Who does she really prefer...? If I didn't care to understand her, I would classify her as has having that hoe mentality. What the fuck is wrong with me, feelings getting wrapped up, I'm feeling like I should be the one.... But I'm not. Him, him,  and her are taking my spot. I try to be clever, doing extra shit to show her I care, but my feelings for her, I cannot bare, to see her (think about her) with him, him, her and her. I'm tyring to cut the ties. I look in my phone for other chicks, yeah there beautiful and exotic but, the desire is not there, all I want is her. But then she gazes into my eyes, then I forget everything I've been stressing about.

Woke Up Saturday Morning....

Feeling like something good was supposed to happen today... And I was right.. I met this lady around my grandmothers age, she taught me things about myself that I've been wanting to know for a long time. Im glad I met her. But I came to realize that Im not living my life right. On that note I feel like Im in good graces with this girl I like. I truly feel bad for her, she doesn't deserve to be treated like she has been. But this causes a deli ma, liking the same sex is a sin..... Right now in my young life Its going to be hard to get away from the girls. Just being that THEY make me truly happy. Its soo easy to sin, but its soo hard to let go.. Lets see how long it will take for me to get totally right.

REAL Life 2010, 18 days left of high school

Lately I've been feeling extream anger. As in I want to fight. I'm frustrated. Once I thought things were looking up for me, but some how things started to change a drop of a dime. Now I feel like I'm at the end of the line. Looking for a way out, but I'm trapped. Stuck, like a teen mom. Like she can't see past next weeks check. I feel useless, worthless. But I still continue to do what I  think is best. I can't see the light. It's like darkness in caving in, all sense of directions. I feel like I'm being forced into submission, with no say. I'm being treated like I have no control of my OWN life. I just want to get away. Even If I fail. Just let me do it my way. So I can pick myself up, and lean from what has been done.

I'm starting to become what I was once before. Contemplating suicide... I feel dead inside, but I try not to think of it. Thinking there has to be another way out, but I just can't find the door. But is life really worth living for? Even though I want to be gone, I'm scared. Yeah, I guess that makes me pussy. As of right now that's a fact of reality. Ugh! I want to drink myself into a coma, I want to feel Soo high I can't feel my pain.

Count Down Til'

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The Nightmare's

I only have touched on this a little bit in my previous blogs; it all goes along with me being traumatized when I was a child. And last night I had one of those nightmares about her trying to kill me. In every dream it’s not the same always a different scenario for each dream. Last night it started like this...







2604 Edgewood Ave, my old House in Richmond, VA. I just came home after a dispute about me. When I stepped into the house the feeling of something evil was in the house. I started to look around the house to see if my step mom was around. I looked into her bedroom to see her still asleep. Then I went up to my room, to see a video replaying on my television of her saying what she was going to do to me. I immediately try to plan what it is that I was going to do so I wont die a brutal death. I gather my phone and my charge and run outside. I call my dad to rescue me from this fate. No one answers. I go back in the house to the kitchen. I walk over to the knives to get a few to help me in my defense. I see these 3 new huge 14inch knife with deep jagged edges within the blade. This is what she is going to use to kill me. So I gather 2 of the three, there to big in size for me to handle them, plus they are heavy. I run out to the back of the house to plan how I was going to Kill her first before she kills me. Its hot outside and I’m panicking. I’m trying to dial the emergency number before all of this goes down, (and maybe they will stop all of this from happening. I don't want to have the sin of murder on my hands.) but my hands where clashing with the knives, and one of them falls onto the ground. In the frantic pace that I’m in I leave it behind and I move to the front of the house. I notice that the neighbor's that live across from me moved out. Now living there is a Dominican family (unusual), and beside them are a new family of blacks. Although I love Hispanic people,(especially the girl that I saw) something about them and the blacks just weren’t adding up right. I went back in the house to steak out a hiding place to catch her off guard. As I’m entering into the door, I hear her in the basement. So I continued to her room. My plan was to get into her closet, and wait for her. As I’m entering into the room she's in there and ready! She says "I’ve been waiting for you". I confront her and say that "I know that you are going to kill me". She begging to laugh she says "that’s right". She charges at me, I’m fighting hard, she's too much to handle. I begging reaching for the knife ,she says "that's what I’m going to use to slit your throat". Some how she takes it away from me. I begin to sprint out of the room, into the bathroom. I get in, I’m scared, nothing that I have planed worked. I hear her coming I’m holding the double doors on both sides of the bathroom. She's pounding, pushing the door open with her weight. She's heavy, finally she leaves. I’m franticly searching for my phone. I find it, I’m trying to dial 911 but for some reason my fingers are hitting every button but those. It was like my hands were uncontrollable. I hear voices enter into the house. I’m REALLY terrified now. I mange to call my dad again, still no answer. Now I hear my step mom at the door telling the female to take the knife and carve out the door to get to me. She starts to carve out the door. I’m feeling hopeless, thinking why is this happening to me. I feel blade grinding on the door. I feel the hollowness caving in to expose me. My step mother begins to talk to me, "oh and by the way this is the lovely Dominican Girl that just moved in across from us." I reply arrogantly "Oh I like those". As I finished those few words they can now see me.






My dream ended just at that moment. The feelings of terror felt so real. They say dreams reflect on what is going on into your life. This maybe true. But I haven't seen or talked to my stepmother in years so why am I still having dreams about her. Whether its about her abusing or killing me. This has been going on for years I can truly say that I am traumatized. The comparison of her actions in real life does correlate a little but she never tried to kill me. More of her verbal and physical are the correlation to the real life version of her. Thus saying I am Traumatized.






Or we could replace "Step Mother" with my dads "Girl Friend". I can honestly say that I don't feel safe sleeping with her around.






What ever it is I need to get out of my unsafe environment.






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